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An attempt at reaction: 4x04
First, I'm not going to play the Better Boyfriend Olympics. I hurt for both of these boys. It's a terrible, horrible, awful situation they are in. I expect I may have more empathy for Kurt's situation, so that may make me seem biased, but I don't feel any less for Blaine, I just don't understand it as intuitively.
It's going to take me a long time to fully process this. Everyone (well, Finn, Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, Santana, Brittany) made me cry for them in their own moments of pain. The episode was well executed. Brutal, but well crafted. I haven't felt this emotionally drained by a show since the end of Babylon 5. Actually, I don't think I've ever felt this much heartache over a show. I did not know I was capable of feeling this way.
Onward.
While I do not think it was out of character, I did not expect Blaine to cheat, and certainly not so casually (it wasn't exactly casual, but I can't think of a better word for the ease with which he tore his own heart out; it was self-destructive and terrifying how glibly he slid that knife into his chest). I honestly thought the cheating spoilers were nonsense, but even with them in mind as a possible outcome, I was not prepared. I knew Blaine was an imminent emotional trainwreck, but I didn't believe it would get this bad. I know many are saying Blaine had to hit rock bottom, and maybe he did with Eli. But, man, sometimes the bottom of that pit is quicksand, not rock, and I think Blaine may still be sinking.
So things.
• Kurt is good at holding his breath. It's how he survives; he keeps his eye on the prize, he compartmentalizes, sets aside the things that hurt, and endures. Blaine cannot do this, not alone. Blaine is all process. What's happening now is not eased but what may happen later. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is impossibly far away when you're walking barefoot on broken glass. Even if the guy at the other end is holding your shoes.(Please pardon the mangled cliché)
• Blaine, while missing Kurt, summons Kurt's memory in the outfit Kurt wore the first time they met. That was when Kurt needed Blaine. Now Kurt doesn't (or so Blaine believes; he misses being needed). So maybe he was thinking, if Kurt doesn't need him any longer, at least someone else could use him.
• Eli the lighthouse was brighter than Blaine's north star in that moment. Eli is a Lie.
• I don't think the 'hook up' means nothing to Blaine, but he is perhaps terrified of what it does mean, which is why he can't offer any explanation to Finn. I don't think he got anything out of the encounter with Eli except an extra helping of self-loathing.
This is going to be the hardest thing for Kurt to come to terms with, I think. That Blaine can say it didn't mean anything, when clearly it has to, otherwise, the obvious implication is that sex with Kurt never meant anything either, because why would you destroy something precious with something that didn't mean anything unless it was never all that precious in the first place?
I think--and others have mentioned this too--that for Kurt sex means everything, so he probably views this as a binary thing. If it wasn't a sacred everything to Blaine, then it's a nothing now. I'm not sure Kurt's going to be able to see a middle ground here for a while. He cannot separate emotional and physical intimacy.
Blaine thinks he can. Or he thought he could. Or he is trying to convince himself he can, because the truth is too hard to realize. Sex doesn't mean nothing, but Blaine desperately wishes it did. Tries to prove to himself that it doesn't. But he fails and breaks himself, breaks Kurt. He tells Kurt it didn't mean anything, but he knows that's a lie as soon as it trips off his tongue like an accusation. But he can't believe the truth, so he says the lie. He needs to believe that. It didn't mean anything. He didn't mean anything. It doesn't matter. He doesn't... Oh. See, Blaine?
If Blaine's primary requirement for a relationship is to feel needed and valuable, then I think Kurt's is to feel safe. Everyone wants to feel valued and safe in their romantic relationships, but there are possibly varying levels of priority. And given what Kurt has been through, safety is I think what he requires most. Now it's gone, so this will be hard to process. Kurt will forgive Blaine, but I don't know to what extent he'll be able to repair the romantic relationship, it won't happen quickly. Kurt will, I think--because he has empathy as well as compassion, and he does love Blaine--come to understand that Blaine needs that safety too, and Kurt can provide it, if he chooses to. That's going to take a big leap of faith, but then, often times mature love does.
While Blaine is going to need to do a ton of work to regain Kurt's trust--and he needs to be able to own up to what he did rather than blaming Kurt (Without picking sides, that was awful, Blaine)--I also think Kurt is going to have to make some grand romantic gesture (which is not really his thing so much; he prefers to receive them, it seems to me) to reassure Blaine that they are possible again. His forgiveness and acceptance needs to be clear and complete for Blaine. And if hippo brooch is the talisman and omen I think it is, there may be something like a marriage proposal in their future this season, but I am not holding my breath. At any rate, the Teenage Dream is dead for now; they must transform or die.
• Blaine didn't sing the first verse of TD, and I know why. When he can sing the first verse to Kurt? That's when they'll be okay. Also when the bowties return?
And this is as far as I've got today with my thinking. I need to process more; there was so much to this episode.
Also, clearly I fail at predictions, but I am hoping for some sort of reconciliation at Christmas. Not romantically--that'll take a while--but I think Kurt will be able to forgive Blaine and be his friend again.
One more thing.
• Can we now agree Blaine has a mood disorder? I think he may indeed be bipolar and that club flyer was no mistake.
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I hope you went to bed, got a good night's sleep, and have woken up feeling a little less sad. *hug*
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I enjoyed your Jungian Meta Spam even though it's been oh so many years since my Psych classes. You explained the Animus and Blaine's journey so well. Your comments about co-dependence and being lost were spot on.
I follow a thread on Glee Forum and there's an annoying little voice that inundates us with Seblaine spam no matter the topic. So I chuckled at this in your comment regarding Sebastian, "He also needs to metaphorically behead, stab through the heart, or drown Sebastian, so I'm glad to hear Grant is returning. (Or, alternatively, actually become friends with him in a way that is not threatening, but this seems unlikely? IDK, I'm still a little uncertain here. Sebastian is Shadow so must be defeated or integrated.)"
I'm sure as the hiatus rolls on the heartache will dull to a mere twinge. It'll be interesting to see what kind of spoilers and such come out in the next 5 weeks. Also, I imagine there will be a big publicity push to remind people Glee is coming back. So... see you at 4.05 if not before :)
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Thank you. Me too! I think I'm going to reread the fic myself, do some edits, and come back to the epilogue without TBU hanging over my head quite so heavily.
I enjoyed your Jungian Meta Spam
I'm glad! Yesterday I somehow ended up in a manic brain space and writing out that stuff was helping me regain perspective on Glee as a story so I could get back a little bit of emotional breathing space. I can't actually remember if we did Jung in any depth in the intro Psych classes I took, but I picked up Man and His Symbols on a whim and just loved it, couldn't put it down. Even more than a more general comparative mythology approach, it fundamentally changed the way I understand stories and their importance, even if his work isn't really considered good science these days. I think his ideas go a long way to understanding why stories resonate within us, why we share them, why we engage with them the way we do, their importance to us as human animals, why we keep telling the same ones endlessly.
Seblaine, oh my. I can't see Sebastian as anything but supremely dangerous to Blaine. I thought we may have had that resolution in DWS when Blaine is finally able to speak up for himself to Kurt in Emma's office. I think Sebastian is a sort of Bluebeard like figure to Blaine, the Shadow that teaches Blaine to resist being a victim and advocate for himself. So, it will be interesting to see if Sebastian still wields any power over Blaine and how Blaine responds to it.
It'll be interesting to see what kind of spoilers and such come out
I have never been more willing to be spoiled than I am over this hiatus.
I really should have the epilogue done over the hiatus, and maybe another little fic in the ITWOS timeline set over 2x18, so I hope to have some things to share with you before 4x05. :) It's so much easier for me to write when Glee isn't giving me new material to integrate every week.
Spoiler, spoiler, who's got the spoiler...
So have you seen this? I found it at Glee forum. The poster says that it's from the Tumblr that spoiled the cheating storyline by leaking part of the script for episode 7.
http://toddgoodmans.tumblr.com/tagged/spoiler-talk
*singsong voice* there's some Sebastian stuff :)
Best of luck in finishing your epilogue. I'm sure it will be wonderful!
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