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An attempt at reaction: 4x04
First, I'm not going to play the Better Boyfriend Olympics. I hurt for both of these boys. It's a terrible, horrible, awful situation they are in. I expect I may have more empathy for Kurt's situation, so that may make me seem biased, but I don't feel any less for Blaine, I just don't understand it as intuitively.
It's going to take me a long time to fully process this. Everyone (well, Finn, Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, Santana, Brittany) made me cry for them in their own moments of pain. The episode was well executed. Brutal, but well crafted. I haven't felt this emotionally drained by a show since the end of Babylon 5. Actually, I don't think I've ever felt this much heartache over a show. I did not know I was capable of feeling this way.
Onward.
While I do not think it was out of character, I did not expect Blaine to cheat, and certainly not so casually (it wasn't exactly casual, but I can't think of a better word for the ease with which he tore his own heart out; it was self-destructive and terrifying how glibly he slid that knife into his chest). I honestly thought the cheating spoilers were nonsense, but even with them in mind as a possible outcome, I was not prepared. I knew Blaine was an imminent emotional trainwreck, but I didn't believe it would get this bad. I know many are saying Blaine had to hit rock bottom, and maybe he did with Eli. But, man, sometimes the bottom of that pit is quicksand, not rock, and I think Blaine may still be sinking.
So things.
• Kurt is good at holding his breath. It's how he survives; he keeps his eye on the prize, he compartmentalizes, sets aside the things that hurt, and endures. Blaine cannot do this, not alone. Blaine is all process. What's happening now is not eased but what may happen later. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is impossibly far away when you're walking barefoot on broken glass. Even if the guy at the other end is holding your shoes.(Please pardon the mangled cliché)
• Blaine, while missing Kurt, summons Kurt's memory in the outfit Kurt wore the first time they met. That was when Kurt needed Blaine. Now Kurt doesn't (or so Blaine believes; he misses being needed). So maybe he was thinking, if Kurt doesn't need him any longer, at least someone else could use him.
• Eli the lighthouse was brighter than Blaine's north star in that moment. Eli is a Lie.
• I don't think the 'hook up' means nothing to Blaine, but he is perhaps terrified of what it does mean, which is why he can't offer any explanation to Finn. I don't think he got anything out of the encounter with Eli except an extra helping of self-loathing.
This is going to be the hardest thing for Kurt to come to terms with, I think. That Blaine can say it didn't mean anything, when clearly it has to, otherwise, the obvious implication is that sex with Kurt never meant anything either, because why would you destroy something precious with something that didn't mean anything unless it was never all that precious in the first place?
I think--and others have mentioned this too--that for Kurt sex means everything, so he probably views this as a binary thing. If it wasn't a sacred everything to Blaine, then it's a nothing now. I'm not sure Kurt's going to be able to see a middle ground here for a while. He cannot separate emotional and physical intimacy.
Blaine thinks he can. Or he thought he could. Or he is trying to convince himself he can, because the truth is too hard to realize. Sex doesn't mean nothing, but Blaine desperately wishes it did. Tries to prove to himself that it doesn't. But he fails and breaks himself, breaks Kurt. He tells Kurt it didn't mean anything, but he knows that's a lie as soon as it trips off his tongue like an accusation. But he can't believe the truth, so he says the lie. He needs to believe that. It didn't mean anything. He didn't mean anything. It doesn't matter. He doesn't... Oh. See, Blaine?
If Blaine's primary requirement for a relationship is to feel needed and valuable, then I think Kurt's is to feel safe. Everyone wants to feel valued and safe in their romantic relationships, but there are possibly varying levels of priority. And given what Kurt has been through, safety is I think what he requires most. Now it's gone, so this will be hard to process. Kurt will forgive Blaine, but I don't know to what extent he'll be able to repair the romantic relationship, it won't happen quickly. Kurt will, I think--because he has empathy as well as compassion, and he does love Blaine--come to understand that Blaine needs that safety too, and Kurt can provide it, if he chooses to. That's going to take a big leap of faith, but then, often times mature love does.
While Blaine is going to need to do a ton of work to regain Kurt's trust--and he needs to be able to own up to what he did rather than blaming Kurt (Without picking sides, that was awful, Blaine)--I also think Kurt is going to have to make some grand romantic gesture (which is not really his thing so much; he prefers to receive them, it seems to me) to reassure Blaine that they are possible again. His forgiveness and acceptance needs to be clear and complete for Blaine. And if hippo brooch is the talisman and omen I think it is, there may be something like a marriage proposal in their future this season, but I am not holding my breath. At any rate, the Teenage Dream is dead for now; they must transform or die.
• Blaine didn't sing the first verse of TD, and I know why. When he can sing the first verse to Kurt? That's when they'll be okay. Also when the bowties return?
And this is as far as I've got today with my thinking. I need to process more; there was so much to this episode.
Also, clearly I fail at predictions, but I am hoping for some sort of reconciliation at Christmas. Not romantically--that'll take a while--but I think Kurt will be able to forgive Blaine and be his friend again.
One more thing.
• Can we now agree Blaine has a mood disorder? I think he may indeed be bipolar and that club flyer was no mistake.
ep 4 well, I called that wrong...
I thought I'd have strong feelings for this episode, and I do to some extent, but mostly I feel kind of numb. Bottom line, I can't believe they had Blaine cheat. I thought the spoilers were nonsense too, but in a way they made the revelation slightly less painful when it came because I don't think I would have picked up on the FB thing if I wasn't looking for it. You're right, Blaine is an emotional train wreck and I have a hard time reconciling ep4 Blaine with ep1 Blaine who sent his boyfriend off to NYC. Blaine is just so lost and broken now. Even in the episode he just seemed shell-shocked. I definitely think he's acquired a lot of self loathing in his quest to just feel something.
And poor Kurt. I won't rehash what you said about him because I agree with it all. At some point we need to see them talking about their issues. If Blaine had been able to tell Kurt what he told Sam after the election, and Kurt really heard him, maybe things would have been different - but that's obviously not the tale Ryan wants to tell now. I know the previews showed Kurt and Rachel at McKinley (more than likely for the musical) so maybe that will be the start of something for K&B. The fact that Kurt didn't break up with him yet gives me a teeny tiny glimmer of hope and that's what I'm holding on to. I would also like to state at this point that I know these are fictional characters ;) I blame Darren and Chris for making them resonate so much that we feel as we do.
I don't know how much you surf around fandom but this piece seems to be making the rounds and it's a really great (I thought) analysis of the ep and trying to understand Blaine's motivations. Actually, I remembered this as I read your reaction above and "companion piece" was my first thought. Apologies if you've already seen it: http://sunandrainfic.tumblr.com/post/32929561281/what-exactly-is-going-through-your-head-right-now
It's also interesting to me how Darren and Chris responded to the cheating storyline. Darren wrote that lovely letter to his fans thanking them for the last two years that had a "please don't be mad at me, this wasn't my choice" (which I firmly believe) undertone to it. Chris did that insider.com interview where he seems fine with the break up and "is excited to see what the future holds" for Kurt and "I just want to see him live and be his own person".
Whew, this is longer than I expected. I guess I had more feelings than I thought. :)
Me too Re: ep 4 well, I called that wrong...
I'm feeling better this evening. More hopeful anyway, though I don't know why. :P Or perhaps I'm just moving into numb as well.
I have a hard time reconciling ep4 Blaine with ep1 Blaine who sent his boyfriend off to NYC. Blaine is just so lost and broken now.
Stuff like this is part of why I'm leaning toward bipolar for him, because it is starting to really feel like there's more going on than just showface!Blaine versus vulnerable!Blaine. He's having so many extreme ups and downs along with the impulsive & self-destructive behaviour. Poor Blaine. As much as I do not in any way condone his behaviour, I feel mostly sympathy & concern for him right now.
It's weird how (this is at least true for me sometimes) it's easier to talk to a friend than your partner about some things. I don't know that Blaine is comfortable with being so not okay in front of Kurt. Particularly if he is still seeing New Kid Kurt. When he's feeling okay, he understands what NYC means to Kurt. That understanding is not enough to get him through the night, though. :S
The fact that Kurt didn't break up with him yet gives me a teeny tiny glimmer of hope
Me too. It's not much, but it's good maybe that Kurt didn't just break it off there and then? I like that he's taking time to think before he speaks or decides. (Kurt's power lies in his voice a lot of the time.) Someone on tumblr (can't remember who D:) wrote that Kurt may need time to process before he feels like he can talk to Blaine without hurting him. I like that idea. I do think Kurt is going to have to push Blaine to tell him what it did mean. Blaine has to face that, and Kurt needs to understand it well enough to accept it.
I did see that piece by sunandrainfic this morning. Mind you, this morning is a bit of a blur of too little sleep, too much sadness, and a bit of a hangover (I'm not proud of myself), so I need to reread it.
Chris and Darren are indeed amazing actors and so good to their fans (Darren's letter was amazing). I can see how both of them might be looking forward to developing their characters outside the relationship, though. I love both characters enough, I'm keen to see it however it goes. I do hope they will reunite as a couple at some stage this season, but the meantime will be good (if painful, because Blaine has some work to do). They both totally brought their A+++++ game to the episode (everyone did) so I hope they are both getting many kudos and not too much anger from their fans.
FWIW, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with engaging deeply with stories and their characters. Stories are a very fundamental thing for human beings. We understand out lives through narrative; it's good for our brains. If a story is making us feel & think this much, then its doing something right! :)
It's good to hear from you tonight! I was thinking of you earlier (and not just because you so kindly rec'ed my fic).